Trusting and Depending on Others: An Unskippable Avenue of Healing (Storytime!)

Photo by Jackie Parker on Unsplash

 

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
— Maya Angelou

I had an experience recently where I was being authentic and trusting, and came upon a boy who rejected me. The scenario went like this: 

I was sitting on a chair, being myself (naturally quiet and soft), when he walked into the room. We didn't know each other.  I waved at him because I was happy to see him, and desired to warm him and express love to him. (This is natural for me.) I was hoping to build familiarity too, because what usually happens when you're warm and open toward people is that rapport is built with them as they feel safe. Knowing that and wanting him to feel safe, I waved at him bubblily and cheerfully. 

Guess what he did? 

With a prideful look on his face, eyebrows brought up in 'I don't have time for this, you're weird and I'm above you', he waved his comb at me dismissively and rejected me. 

How did he make me feel?

Like I was an overgrown child— too childish— who made him feel uncomfortable. I felt like a humble reject. I was hurt, and from the hurt came anger. Though I continued to smoothly attempt to trust the others I interacted with in that social setting, the anger did not leave, and even formed a pain in my head. Did I hate him? No I didn't. Did I have anything personal against him? No, I didn't. I didn't even know his name, and realized after that it wasn't that serious. I was angry because he had hurt me. Anger can sometimes be so blinding that you can't see past it to reason. 

(I wonder why…) 

In any case, this guy had hurt me, and I needed to release, so I started writing. And then, when I had released, I started reasoning.

This guy didn't even know me.

Fear is what causes self-dependency. When you are hurt, you withdraw in fear of getting hurt again. You stop trusting because fear is the opposite of trust and faith.  Unforgiveness traps the unforgiving and enslaves the unforgiven. In order to be free and to release him, I had to forgive him.

But how? How could I have forgiven him for what he did? He just got up and decided to hurt me, didn't he? 

No, I reasoned. He didn't. The pride he showed to me may have hurt, but there's a reason for pride, and understanding the truth about that reason always helps in forgiving, that is, setting both myself and the other free.

So, at this point, I began to reason the reasons the boy responded pridefully, starting with the likelihood that he has been hurt, and thus didn't trust me enough to let his guard down around me, be himself, and receive love in as tiny a way as a wave 'hello'.  

My authenticity wasn't the problem, I realized, and that was ground shaking for me.

I also noticed that, when I was hurting, I had to intentionally oppose a change in my behaviour from who I authentically am to who I used to portray. There was a time when I, out of hurt and thus pride and distrust, was altered in terms of my personality. I was hardened instead of soft, and domineering instead of meek. I had put up my walls of self-defense, and focused on logically caring for me because I thought no one else would. The only way I learned who I really was was by trusting others, and then allowing God to shape and interpret what I saw in myself. 

He always told me, 'You are elegant; most beautiful when you don't try.' Not trying to be anyone else and being myself feels vulnerable and takes trust. When the boy hurt me, I had to consciously choose to forgive him, and trust him again even though I knew he would hurt me again. Otherwise, I would be fearful, prideful, and harbouring anger from an unhealed wound every time I saw him, even though the development of his pride wasn't even his fault. So, that same day, I trusted him again. 

It wasn't easy. There were a few times when he walked past and I felt myself shut into myself, afraid to trust him and of what he may have said in response to my vulnerability and authenticity and my being guard-down. Slowly though, I trusted him again, and that gave me the freedom to be gracious to him and love him again. Love always trusts, and grace for the prideful allows freedom to both the gracious and the prideful.

Has this experience helped you in any way? I hope it has. Feel free to leave your experiences of learning to trust in the comments! Remember that you cannot love whom you don't trust, and that without trust, there is no lasting love.

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